The lucky game to start off the list. As you can tell, I'm going from least horrible to most, note I start with 15. Anyway, onto the chosen game. I'd like to start off by saying that the difficulty just might be a major in why this game is on the shit list. It's so irritatingly fucking hard that you want to rip someone's throat out. By the time you make it out of the jungle and into the village, you have to deal with avoiding booby traps that you have no idea will be there until it's too late. And to boot, when you have practically no lives left, you end up having to go through an underground tunnel in which you have no idea what's around each corner. Action junkies be warned, this isn't what you'd want at all unless you wanna look like this guy.
14: Mario Bros.
Some of you may be scratching your heads in confusion. "Mario? In a bad list?" Don't get me wrong. I'm a longtime, and forever-on fan of the classic Super Mario Bros. games, but this one is a little different as you can probably tell in the screenshots. I'm positive most of you who have played one of the Super Mario Advance games have played an updated version of this game, as it's an extra game in all of them. The problem with this game isn't difficulty, irritation or anything like that. The downer is that it's too repetitive to be an NES game, even for an early release. It's just like playing those old arcade games we love so dearly to play, yet it just doesn't cut it on this console. What I mean by this is that you only have the one level setup, it only gets increasingly harder each level. Basically, the only "beating" you'll do in this game is die, or give up after so long. Fun time-passer, or maybe for some nostalgia, but really no other purpose is given. For those of you wondering, yes, this is what the "Battle Mode" in Super Mario Bros. 3 is based on.
13: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
TMNT is a great franchise (or at least was back when it kicked more ass than Chuck Norris could dream of), so why would I give a game of it a bad spot here? Easy answer. Put it this way, I've owned this game since I was four, and now at age eighteen, I STILL haven't beaten this fucking game. If you think it's because I suck, I dare you to play this on a regular NES without a Game Genie and beat it in one piece. Can't? Aww, too bad. Well that makes two, and I can explain it. Platoon may have been insane on difficulty, but this goes beyond insane, it's in-fucking-humane I tell you! It had a great thing going for it, but maybe if it was a little easier (like maybe doing some work on the underwater level at the dam) it'd be a little better on our health. If you end up in the hospital because of this game, many wishes and much sympathy, I'm surprised I'm not there yet.
12: Total Recall
You've probably seen a few games based on good ol' Arnie's movies. Lemme tell ya, as big of an idol he was in the 80s, there were games made for just about all of his action movies. This one isn't fun at all, in fact, it almost makes you not want this guy to be your hero with how badly he's designed. Skin-tight bright green clothing isn't too appealing to me, sorry to say. One of the other reasons I dislike this game is because you never seem to get anywhere. More often than not, you find yourself dragged into an alleyway where you fight midgets wearing red and with beards. Other times, you'll encounter drive-bys, people hiding in garbage cans who shoot at you, and a tall guy who appears and just stands there like a shithead staring at you until he does anything. All in all, this game just spells one word: fial. Yes. Fial. It's not even worth the actual spelling. Avoid at all costs.
11: Hydlide
I'd rank this game even lower but there's worse to come. I'm not exactly sure what the desginers were trying to do or prove in this game, but whatever it was, they did something terribly wrong. Or maybe it was on purpose, who knows, who cares. All I know is, the story is extremely weak, and the gameplay is even more out of shape. I'm not sure if I should feel sorry for this game, they obviously had a good idea in mind, but just couldn't put it down in pixels at all. Pretty much, you walk around and attack enemies the best you can while trying to avoid your worst enemy: sloppy controls. To attack, you have to hold the A button down and walk into your enemy. Doing so greatly increases your chances of getting killed before they do. You end up dying a lot, and losing a huge amount of your experience points. It looks like an attempt to copy the old YS games (look 'em up if you don't know). Really nothing more to say about it, except if you're itching to try it, I won't stop you. I rather enjoy sitting down and playing a shitty game or two for laughs. :D
10: Untouchables
Another movie-based game. I, personally, enjoyed The Untouchables movie. Sadly, I can't say the same about the game. There's been several releases for this game console-wise, but since this section focuses on NES games, I'll focus on the NES one. It seems Ocean thought they could get a little further than they thought, but alas their efforts went down the shitter. You play the role as .. Well. The Untouchables, and fight against Capone's henchmen. The difficulty is one of the things that got it down to this pit of bad games. You die too easy and the game ends too quickly. That's enough to piss anyone off. I'm just going to leave it at this, I don't feel like giving this game too much shit, only because the fact I really liked the movie. Thank God this wasn't Goodfellas.
9: Yo! Noid
Wow. I don't even know where to begin on how fucking pointless this game is. Well, I'll give a brief description. It's a platformer where you play as Noid, the mascot for Domino's Pizza, and you have to stop Mr. Green from his evil plans and save the world. What the fuck kinda name is Mr. Green, were his parents a potleaf or some shit like that? Don't even want to know. The difficulty is pretty punishing, I've never been able to get past the first level, but I sorta didn't want to keep going, the game is a little too crappy to really want to. I must say, even if you were a former fan of the claymation character, I wouldn't suggest playing this. No, not even the pizza reward is worth it. Now go order from Pizza Hut.
8: Jeopardy!
Sweet Jesus jumped-up Christ (yeah I watch a bit too much Beavis & Butthead Do America, shut up) this game is bad. No, don't get me wrong, I don't mean Jeopardy in general, I like the good ol' Jeopardy game now and then, but this hunka shit isn't quite a looker. You can see for yourself the character design is like a 6-year old drew them with some Play-Doh and about 3 minutes of time. But it isn't only that which gives a limp noodle in this game, but it's the irritating, enraging fact that, even if you have the answer correct yet you are unsure of a letter or two, and you put what you think is right yet it's not, you'll still lose score for it, even if it was generally correct. What the fuck, GameTek? Good for family fun, but be prepared to laugh your ass off at how badly this game was designed.
7: Ikari Warriors
An overhead shooter brought to you by the company, SNK, who gave us the wonderful action-RPG Crystalis. Crystalis was awesome, so is this game awesome too? Far from it. It's horrible, which is why it's on my list here. Many complaints I have, but I'll keep it short. Levels go on too long, too many glitches preventing you from advancing further in the level (especially in co-op), bad controls, and one of the most irritating parts is the fact that when you turn, you don't instantly turn, you have to make a full, and painfully slow, 180 degree turn, which by the time you make it, you're already shot down. I've played a lot of overhead shooters, but this has to be one of the, if not the worst. I used to have fun playing it when I was a kid, but I didn't have too many games then, so anything was good. Now I see the true colours to this sorry-ass game.
6: Menace Beach
Soon-to-be Chrisitan game company Wisdom Tree, at the time known as Color Dreams, released a line of unlicensed games. One of them, being the chosen for #6, Menace Beach. Menace Beach was actually later "remade" by Wisdom Tree and it was named Sunday Funday, which was only a sprite edit and slight "cutscene" change. Basically in this game, you're some kid on a skateboard who brawls with bullies and weird shit who only targets you, and rescue your girlfriend. Here's the thing, she's chained to a wall and her clothes somehow begin to rot away somehow, down into her underwear. Nudity in games then was obviously rather rare. Problem with the game was the loose and bad controls, and rather stupid gameplay in general. There's really no story to it, everything seems to be just there. It's sorta hard to explain why I chose this game to be in here, but play it for yourself if you really want to experience for yourself. It just somewhat disgusts me in its own way.
5: The Terminator
Imagine that, two games based on Arnold movies in my list here. I like Arnold, but these games are just full of failure. In this, the most agonizing 15 minutes of your life begin. This is probably the shortest game in history, yet nearly impossible without cheating. There's about four or five levels total, and you play as Kyle Reese. He doesn't look at all like he should, neither do the other characters. I think the game was created with blobs. Sadly, this game suffers the fate of being stuck in this list.
4: Super Pitfall
Pitfall on the Atari 2600 was a popular and fun game. A more rare sequel was also released on the same console. Now a new Pitfall is released on the NES called Super Pitfall, and deserves the name Super Shitfail. I've always liked the original Pitfall game, but this one really brought me down, a lot. More than a lot, even more than a donkey's dick. For one, the main character looks nothing like the original, instead you play a midget with facial hair in a hardhat and miner's clothing. Really you don't go anywhere in this game, except fucking insane. You die too easy, and there's simply no point to this game. It was probably just a franchise/hype thing, but didn't go very far at all.
3: Barbie
Uhh.. What the fuck? Mattel's world-famous franchise finally makes it to the gaming industry, and leaves a shit mark in your Nintendo. From title screen to gameplay, there's not a single moment of enjoyment in this game. She moves slow with the controls, she's way too tall and sloppily made, and can't jump for shit. Also, what the hell is the crap she drops when you push B, used tampons or something? I don't want to even get into this game, I didn't bother playing far, my eyes were bleeding.
2: Where's Waldo?
A book popular kid's book turned into a game with no variety at all, plus bad enough graphics that you can't even find the stupid fucker. This game's simply a waste of money and time, it's more fun with the book. That's really all there is to say about this game, I think you get the idea. Oh, and the funny thing is, the company behind Elder Scrolls and Fallout did this game aside from THQ.
Now.. For #1. The moment you all've been waiting for...... I DUB THE WORST GAME TO BE... *drumroll*
1: Action 52
Indeed, it is Action 52. Some of you may have heard of or played it, some may not. Let me bring you up to speed. This is a compilation of 52 games in one, 90% of which are shooters. It was an unlicensed game and sold for 200 mother-fucking dollars. Why, God? Why must you give us such shit like this? Well, basically everything about this game is bad. The sound and music make your brain slither out of your ears (yes, it's worse than Wake Me Up When September Ends), and the 3-year old drawn graphics give even me a headache. Not only that, but the controls are better off not working at all, you can't do shit with them. For example, while you walk in some games, you can't jump in the direction you're walking, you stop and jump straight up into the air. Also, some of the games don't even work. Fucking ripoff. For the love of God and everything holy (or not), do NOT buy this game. Not even a collector would make that mistake. Well, that settles it, CONGRATRUATION ACTION 52.
